Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

My dog after a walk in the woods.

At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys