Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

Choose your fighter

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

Fun Things

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”