Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

me 2 months after i graduated

Me My dog

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time