[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
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These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
No one can handle that
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.