Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

I can’t stop watching this.

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..