Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda