Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

ok this is my dumbest yet

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

New nose