Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
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You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
And bowling should be called pinball
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Twitter is an abusement park.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.