Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.