Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.

Dump her and find one with some money

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290