Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This poor dog

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.