having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
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I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
