Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
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I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
🌱🌱🌱
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Social Media and Real life
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does