Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

Oh yeh? Explain this then

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time