Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
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Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
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