Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.