Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
You Might Also Like
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭