Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.