@MiddleageM

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

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@JasonLastname

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

@sara_ashlynn

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

@crunchenhancer

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

@CooIStepDad

[on a date]

“I usually don’t do this but..”

*runs out on date so she has to pay*

@OneFunnyMummy

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

@JeremyMcLellan

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

@stevevsninjas

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

@stinky_blinders

Me: If you love them, let them go

*releases third child into nearby forest preserve*

@JaneBadall

Babe, does this mole look suspicious to you?

*Points at mole wearing sunglasses and a raincoat*