@MiddleageM

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

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@LennoxTruman

No mom I won’t go to “night school,” I already get what night is, it’s that bullshit thing where the sun turns into the moon for a few hours

@ParisZarcilla

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

@GoldenSpirals

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

@Sickayduh

Me: Did you know that a woman’s voice gets higher when she’s attracted to a man?

Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend

@MissScarlettK

I’m a pretty confident woman until I walk out of the grocery store & try to find where I parked.

@thepunningman

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

@Moi_RaRa

Reasons Why us girls cry:

happy: 5%
sad: 5%

Who the hell knows!!: 90%

@Y2SHAF

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

@AK_Holica

Does anyone else’s belt turn into a Rubik’s cube when they have to piss like a racehorse?