No mom I won’t go to “night school,” I already get what night is, it’s that bullshit thing where the sun turns into the moon for a few hours
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
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So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: Did you know that a woman’s voice gets higher when she’s attracted to a man?
Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend
I’m a pretty confident woman until I walk out of the grocery store & try to find where I parked.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Reasons Why us girls cry:
Who the hell knows!!: 90%
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Does anyone else’s belt turn into a Rubik’s cube when they have to piss like a racehorse?