Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

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How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?


I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.


I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.


[on a date]

“I usually don’t do this but..”

*runs out on date so she has to pay*


Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.


A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.


Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.


Me: If you love them, let them go

*releases third child into nearby forest preserve*


Babe, does this mole look suspicious to you?

*Points at mole wearing sunglasses and a raincoat*