Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
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Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Who says great literature is dead?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Mornin
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?