If my calculations are correct, then someone else did them for me.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
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How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[on a date]
“I usually don’t do this but..”
*runs out on date so she has to pay*
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Me: If you love them, let them go
*releases third child into nearby forest preserve*
Babe, does this mole look suspicious to you?
*Points at mole wearing sunglasses and a raincoat*