Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
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i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.