Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
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host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
why neck hurt
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
This is my pinned tweet
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.