Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

Dishonest mechanic?

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.