Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
When your man makes a valid point
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
The only equipped I am is ill.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Candles never taste the way they smell
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers