@CarbonatedCB

Having a teenage driver is great. My favorite rule of his so far is JESUS STOP BURPING IN THE CAR MOM!

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@skedaddle74

I dressed up my fly swatter in a baby doll outfit so everytime I swat one I can say “uh-oh, baby did a bad thing”

@Ristolable

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

@SyrupTishus_01

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

@Gupton68

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

@gasstationgurl

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

@notlaneydelaney

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

@secondofhername

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

@theevilwriter

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

@AimeeHelene1

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

@briangaar

You had me at “we’ve got the place surrounded”