Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
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cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Morning my dudes.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good