Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
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Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
The French word for sex is croissant.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Happy Star Wars day!
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”