Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
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Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Clients after you give them your rates
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.