Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

handsome & gretel

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…