Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.