having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
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Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no