having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
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angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”