Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

It’s his time

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.