Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
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Why am I like this?
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Still a very good boi….
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”