Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
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Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Looking at you, Jesus.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Lmao
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.