Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
You Might Also Like
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
#math
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car