Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
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[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
Alexa: *deep breath*
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
💀 😭
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.