Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Best spot.. 😅
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?