Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
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[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough![]()
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
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they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.