Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
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Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Well, shit
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Stop
