Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
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I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Seems legit.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.