Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
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it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste