Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
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Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Me sliding into hell like
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.