Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
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The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest