Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
You Might Also Like
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Grow up never but we old may grow we
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!