Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”