Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

I’m confused about plants

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

😂

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.