Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
You Might Also Like
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do