@ConanOBrien

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

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@TheHatStore

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

@jjhartinger

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

@_4kidscrazy

Killed a spider for my wife last night and got laid.
Now every.spider.must.die.

@CeCePleasants

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

@AnnietheNanny1

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

@atDevin

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

@jonlovett

If we can’t hit our kids, what’s next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?