My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
You Might Also Like
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Killed a spider for my wife last night and got laid.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
If we can’t hit our kids, what’s next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances