Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
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Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.