Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

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[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house


If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.


Killed a spider for my wife last night and got laid.
Now every.spider.must.die.


Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.


What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?


I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me


If we can’t hit our kids, what’s next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?