Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

I thought this was funny lol

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

technically true but not a great slogan

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.