Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
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Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?