Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
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You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat