Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

Imagine having a party on purpose.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.