Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
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It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Discuss
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.