Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

ㅤ

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

This is enough internet for the day.

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

“and you are November’s PM yes?”