Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
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-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Good advice.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Breaking news:
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
step 6: release the wall snake