Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
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I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
yea so i messed up lol
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I am patiently waiting for your email
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute