Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
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If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
My good tweets are in my other pants.