Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

By Kate Hatos

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked