Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches