Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
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ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.