@LizHackett

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

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@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: In the future, can you please put the seat down?

Me: Now I gotta be a time traveler for you?

@aka_fatman

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

@figgled

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

@jaggings

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can / super speed, giant leap / crawls in your mouth when you’re asleep

@3sunzzz

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

@Nikkeya08

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

@junejuly12

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

@jimmytorosian

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

@loribuckmajor

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.