Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

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She: In the future, can you please put the seat down?

Me: Now I gotta be a time traveler for you?


Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.


am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes


Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can / super speed, giant leap / crawls in your mouth when you’re asleep


My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.


I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..


As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.


Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.


After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.