Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

Natty or not?

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH