Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

they split up moments later

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.