*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
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*visits random websites just for the cookies*
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway