*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
