Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

no

Received some very disappointing news today

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t