Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands