Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
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Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
They did not think through this water fountain
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.