Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
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me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Twitter fine art
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work