Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

Done with work today.

The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

lol

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

Personal question. #JustSaying

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.