Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
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Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
What the hell happened here.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please