Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
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Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera