Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.